Vash mourns Wolfwood
by Eden Evergreen
Summary: Vash mourns Wolfwood after his tragic death. (Spoilers) Mangaverse. Friendship only: no romance.
1. Vash Mourns Wolfwood

I don't own Trigun / Vash.

Story contains spoilers.

Mostly manga-verse, but since the church is shown in the manga about that point in the story, I'm assuming that Wolfwood _did_ pause there and say his prayers, as were shown in the anime, before having his final drink with Vash.

**Vash Mourns Wolfwood**

Wolfwood, my friend... Why did you not trust me? Did you not know that I would gladly help you protect your beloved orphanage? I love children, too.

He died for them. Rem also died to protect them. Why did you have to die, too?

It's my fault. They came to December because of me, because you would not kill me. If I had been quicker, if I had realized sooner, you would still be here. We could have fought together, to protect them. After today, we could have enjoyed many more drinks together. But I came too late. It took me too long to understand where you had gone, and why.

I tried. I protected the children for you, while you fought for your life. At first, when the battle ended, I thought we had both won. We both walked away, and I was so relieved. I thought you would survive, as you have done before.

I was so proud of you, that you hadn't killed them! I knew that was hard for you, that it went against the way you had always lived. It was not something you had practiced for as long as I have. I knew that it might slow you down, changing your fighting practice. At first, I thought you would live also. You were tired, and injured, but you had recovered from such things before... so many times. We have both been near death before, and lived. I have never shared that with anyone else, as I have with you.

Then you went into that church. At first, I thought you were thanking God that we had won, that we had both survived. Since you are a priest, it would make sense for you to pay your respects in a church after a victory. Perhaps I should have gone in with you. Would that have made a difference?

I could sense that you had changed. When you finally came out, and didn't have your weapon, the cross that had burdened you for so long, I knew something was wrong. At first, I didn't know for sure. I didn't want to believe it. But I could feel that something was badly wrong... and growing worse.

You stepped into that empty saloon, and came out with the bottle and two glasses. You tried to make light of it, claiming that you were fine when I asked. I wanted so badly to be a good friend to you in that moment, but again you pushed me away with your words.

Why, Wolfwood? Why?

You sat beside me, pretending that all was as it had always been. But I knew. I prayed for you, did you know that? I prayed that you would live.

Perhaps God has not yet forgiven me for July. Why else would He deny my prayer? You should not have needed to suffer for my sins, my friend. Please, forgive me.

You deserved better, Wolfwood. Better than to die at the hands of those men. You won over an old friend during that battle. Did you know that? Like you, he broke from the other assassins, wanting to live differently. You made him want to be human again, instead of only another tool in the hands of cold-hearted Knives.

Did you notice the confetti shower that your orphans rained down upon us? Did you understand their tribute? Or were you already staring into eternity, too disconnected from this world to notice?

Doesn't the holy writ say, "Greater love hath no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends"? You risked your life for the orphans, knowing you might lose. You died for them, and for me. I would have died for you, if it would have spared you.

You always hid your feelings deep down. I know how that feels, since I must do it too. I must do it now, again. I have to face Knives. This was his doing. He was the one who sent them with orders to kill me, the orders that you disobeyed at such great cost.

I must strengthen myself. He must be stopped, even if I have to stop him your way. I have risked my life before, but somehow I have always survived. I'm not sure if I can survive both losing you and fighting him.

I have spent so many years surviving, hurting for all who have died. For me, living is more painful than dying. I thought I had lost the will to live, long ago, but I kept on going. I had a task yet to fulfill.

In many ways, you have been more like a brother to me than Knives has. Or at least, more like a brother should be. I thank you for that. I never told you how much I valued your friendship. I hope that, somehow, you knew.

Knives... he has grown too powerful. I may not survive this next battle against him. Part of me is almost relieved at that thought, but part of me is afraid.

If I don't face him, your sacrifice will have been in vain. If I don't defeat him, your loss will not be remembered or valued. No one will live to remember you, for unless I can either change his mind or defeat him - he will destroy everyone.

I am dying. My black hair is a mute testimony to that fact. I have learned to be a gunman partly because I knew that my power as a plant is limited. I knew that power, those abilities, could not last forever. I needed a way to resist Knives if I ran low. I have to protect the people, the normal humans here. People like you.

Perhaps... perhaps, I _should_ run out of power. At least, then, Knives cannot use my body to hurt anyone else. If he cannot fire my arm, I will not again be guilty of the deaths of innocent people. I never wanted that. I cannot allow that to happen again.

It is time. I see his ark. I will send him a message, with what little remaining power I have. I will bury you, with all possible honors. I will pray over your grave. Then I will make myself as strong as I can, and go to meet my destiny.

My power has hurt so many people. Maybe Knives and I should both die. Perhaps that would be for the best. I must master my fear, and face him.

I may be joining you, sooner than you expect.


	2. Graveside

I don't own Trigun / Vash; he belongs to the amazing Yasuhiro Nightow.

**Graveside**

_Vash sits on his heels, kneeling beside Wolfwood's grave, shortly after he finished burying his friend. He rests his hands over the place where his friend lays beneath the ground. Tears stream down his face. _

_His eyes are closed, and he softly speaks the following words..._

...

God, it's said that you know everything, and everyone. So you must know this man, Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

He wasn't perfect, but he tried. He tried harder than anyone else I ever knew, except maybe Rem. She had Alex to help her.

Did Wolfwood ever have anyone who helped him that way? Maybe if he had, he'd have done better, too.

If there is any punishment that you judge he still needs to pay, please, put it on me instead. Shed your divine mercy on him, and forgive him.

Please, let him have your peace and rest now.

Amen.

...

_Vash opens his eyes, and looks down at the fresh grave. He continues speaking softly..._

...

Wolfwood, my friend... my brother in arms.

I am not a priest, as you constantly told everyone you were. I sometimes wonder who you were trying to convince - us, or yourself.

I have buried you, and prayed over you the best that I know how.

If you were listening, I hope you weren't disappointed. I know I don't pray as fancy as another priest might, but I meant every word.

Surely the God who said, "Thou shalt not lie" will appreciate my sincerity as much as he appreciates the fancy poetic prayers that most priests say aloud in front of other people.

I hope and pray that you are at peace, now.

Peace is so rare on this world. From different things you said, it felt as if, like me, you had little peace while you lived. I hope you had some real love along the way, too. Life is so empty without someone who loves you.

I know that because I lost Rem. I hope you had someone like her, at least for a little while.

I must leave soon. I hope you understand about that. At least you know why. I must try to stop him. Even if I can't succeed, I have to try. No matter the cost.

I will always remember you, whether I die tomorrow or a thousand years from now. I shall always treasure the memory of your friendship, and I will value your ideals.

You are worth remembering.

If, by some miracle, I chance to survive battling Knives... I hope to visit this place again. I will always honor this place, because you died here. I will tell people about you, so that they will also remember you and your sacrifice.

Rest in peace, my friend.

...

_Vash stands. He pauses for a long time with bowed head, before finally, reluctantly, walking away._

...

...

...

...

_Author's note: I've tried to keep all of Vash's words in this chapter true to his character, including his imperfect understanding of divine forgiveness._


	3. Thoughts of a Sinner

I don't own Trigun / Vash; he belongs to the amazing Yasuhiro Nightow.

_This chapter contains spoilers from the last manga (book 14), or the anime episode "Sin." If you have not read or seen at least one of those, be aware that these are serious spoilers. Nothing minor about them. Stop, now, if you want to preserve the surprise_

**Thoughts of a Sinner**

_Vash, though far away, looks toward Wolfwood's grave in a moment of anguish._

...

My friend, you were right... and I was wrong.

You tried to warn me. You said, "No matter how long you dance around... the day of 'choice' will certainly come."

I had thought, or at least hoped, that because I'd already lived so long without being compelled to commit such a terrible sin, that I might never find myself in a position where the only way out was to kill.

Shoot a gun, and people die. That is conventional wisdom.

But if you don't pick one up... you can't protect yourself against one.

I wanted to hold a gun, and never kill anyone. In order to do that, I was prepared to do anything. And so I did everything. Everything I could possibly do.

That was how I lived. That was how I lived on.

It was both my burden and my hope. It became my expectation.

All was shattered in a single instant, with a single gunshot.

He had just escaped the terrible darkness that Knives and his servants had driven him into. To let those efforts go to waste, when he'd been fighting to protect instead of destroy for the first time in so many years... that is something I couldn't bear to live down.

I could not let them kill one who laid his life on the line for my sake. I could not abandon an ally to the cruelty of death after he fought so hard for me, and for this world.

I don't know how I can bear to live with it, either.

I know you did that, many times. You could pull the trigger, and destroy a life. How did you bear it? I saw the hurt in your eyes, many times, but you didn't let it break you.

I am not done yet. Knives is still rampaging. I cannot let this break me. Somehow, I must still face him.

It hurts, Wolfwood. Is this the way you felt, too?

I had to protect... and that man... that man... he was killed by me.

It was my hand, my finger that pulled the trigger. I ended a life. I am the one to blame. I was too weak to find a solution that would save everyone.

I have pulled a trigger of a deep sin. For me, there is no more hope. I'm too pathetic, too weak. My life is forfeit, unworthy of salvation. May God have mercy on my soul.

I must speak to my sisters, and try to persuade them to stop aiding Knives. I must do this for their sake, as well as for the sake of ordinary humans, like Livio and the insurance girls. They all need an opportunity to survive, to grow, to become more than they are now. They can do this, if given enough time.

I shall face Knives, for your sake and for the sake of those who survive.

Whatever he does to me, it will be no more than I deserve.

For me, there can be neither love nor peace. Not after what I have done.

I am sorry, my friend. I had hoped that I might be able to visit you again.

I hope, at least, that I shall do no more harm before my end.


End file.
